Discovery in Reality

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The little square of paper tore as the Girl held it between her fingers.  She purposefully walked to the center garbage can to be closer, pulled out the tiny swipe of alcohol and began rubbing her fingers with it.

I love your skirt, the Lady had said.

Something had pulled at the Girl. She had seen it in the stranger’s demeanor, her expression. Somehow she knew.

The opening was made. Chitchat. The Girl smiled and the kindness in the Lady’s eyes held hers and she shared her heart.

She shared why she was there. At the gas station. The emotion, the sadness, the overwhelming longing and mystery of discovering Why and When and How and WHY. The Girl, was alone.

The Lady was alone. There was kindness. Content. No, peace.

Do you want to have dinner with me? The Girl asked.

Okay. I’ll follow you. The Lady weighted.

The Girl, not knowing the area, drove here and there searching for a place. All the while, the Lady stayed just behind her.

Thoughts came and went, doubts, scenarios, questions until finally, the Girl found a place in an old hotel that was perfect.

They entered together and kind music carried them to the corner table. The Singer was gentle and sweet and his acoustic guitar soothed the empty bar.

After the Girl unloaded her emotional tirade of self discovery and frustration, the Lady shared her life.

70′s. Alone. 4 sons, 9 grandchildren, top Special Ed teacher in the state. The Lady told stories of her experience as a teacher. Her job was one of the highest drop out jobs, and yet here she was in her 70′s still teaching.

Compassion, tenderness, love. These, she said, were what she gave her students success. The Lady worked with severely emotionally traumatized children and rehabilitated them to be able to attend schools and grow up to have a relatively normal life. How she got through to them was compassion and being able to see to the heart of the child.

She spoke of a tall and very large Boy who had Autism, and wouldn’t do anything. Everyone was afraid of the Boy who, she described as resembling the Pillsbury Dough boy, would scream and throw tantrums and not do anything but stand off to the side, alone.

One day she went over and poked him.

He said, Why did you poke me?

Because I wanted to. She replied.

This went on for days and weeks. It became a game and before long, the Lady and the Boy were dodging each other so much, they were jumping.

Look! We are Dancing! The Lady said.

The Boy with size 16 shoes laughed and began dancing with her.

I’m Dancing! I’m Dancing! I can Dance!! The Boy exclaimed.

After that, the Boy was happy to be at school, be part of the class. That love and compassion shown him, made all the difference.

The Lady impressed on the Girl, No matter what you do in life, make time for compassion and love, for it is the language we all understand.

The Girl and the Lady walked away as friends with a shared understanding of love for others and at the same time, love for themselves.

The Singer, watched the two ladies who knew each other a long time. His voice followed them out as he sang his closing song, California Dreamin’.

 

 


I’m talkin’ PUSSY! Stop it!!

New View

The coffee foam swirled in the large cup and I watched it go round and round, watching the cinnamon making lines in the foam inside the circle. I took a sip. Cold.

I thought to myself, who am I? What kind of life do I want to have? What am I doing?

Someone told me a few days back, make a list of all the things in your life you want to improve. Good advice.

I made my list. All the things I want to improve, all the complaints about my life, my home, my career, my time management, my finances, and so on.

As I made this list, I realized something profound. My favorite saying, Questa e la vita cosa che poui fare, This is the life, it is just what it is,… is NOT just what it is, It IS what It ISN’T!

My life, the day in and day out, the moments, with my kids, with friends and fam, the small increments of time I cherish and don’t, the things that don’t get done, the appointments I forget, the big pile of laundry to fold, …the life I create, that is what it is. And it is what it is not.

What it is not is the life that I want and choose for myself. I choose a different life and I am in the same vein, feeling puny and powerless to have that life I choose to have.

Why is that? I’m looking at that life from the view of Here and Now, with my list of upcoming meetings to make, the deadlines needing to be met, and at home… the laundry on my bed, the dishes in the sink, the littler box needing to be cleaned again, the tires on my minivan needing to be changed… This, is my View and that is why I’m feeling powerless to do anything about it.

The life I want to live is free of the constraints of the Here and Now, to have the successes I dream about and want, the lives I want to touch with love and kindness of being who I am, the people I want to help save, the lifestyle I choose to live, the accomplishments I set out to attain, and I am looking at all that, all of it with the view of right Here and right Now. None of it will never get done!!! Its a pussified view and it makes me exhausted to look at it!! I have no way of getting there if I look at it with my pussyglasses. Stop IT!!

Stop being a pussy and get some IRON BALLS! Keep those new Ray Bans View on your face Lady and start living your life with some Giant-Assed Iron Balls! Your future you are living into, is now, RIGHT NOW! Stop the Pussytalk!

I smiled to myself as I got into my minivian and looked through the upside down number 2 my son had drawn with marker on my windshield. I was thinking 5 years from now, how my life will have changed so much and who I will have become, where I will be living. It was with the determination of inspiration, I drove away from the coffee shop.

My day just got fun and very busy.

 

 


for the red that looks grey

At times, in this ever changing mental/heart healing state of mind of mine, I am thrown into the grief of sad aloneness where my stores of literary feeling inspire,… I write. I have thought about why the feelings of joy and boundless energy keep me away from my mac, the ache and pain of the dying burrying heart bring me back to it.

Beating Grey

There is rhyme and reason to it all, I just don’t get it yet. What I do understand is that my states of mind are my choice and I like it. This sad loneliness of the dying dramatically romantic, is an interesting choice today. I chose it all day long. I used to think I was a victim of my circumstance, that I got dealt the sorry hand and inevitable, my outcome. HA.

This is now. I feel miserable. choice. I feel sad. choice. I feel grey. choice. Feed it cause I like it. Do I want to step into happy joy joy, No, I just want to stay here in my pathetic woe to me, poor me, boo me. If feels great!! Epiphany: I’m happy feeling unhappy.

Bleeding Grey

Do I bring myself out of this smooth ache of the bleeding grey? Yes. Simply, a choice!

Snap! Happy Love Joy Comfort Pounding Vibrant Heart Beat Smile Peace Twinkle Red Wink Yay!

I have a bright spot of happy to step into. Its in this perfect place, the glorious colorful garden of my mind and I can stay here all day if I want to. I think I will. Atleast for the rest of the day, and tomorrow?

I think I’ll attract positive energy, output and in, richly effect my surroundings, the people who meet me, the people who know me as I am, the people who know me as I used to be. Okay.

Bleeding

Its beautiful, this red that is red. And this is where I should stay…


#cryingwithpinky

The rain had been coming down in sheets and we were confined inside. Wrapped in my throw, I pulled out my laptop to begin perusing the blogs, emails, while my kids rough-housed on my bed in the other room. The calm at my table was broken by an overwhelming flow of tears burning the blanket in my hands. I was not ok.

The news that my ex was disputing property rents, which actually helped us make it through each month, was a shock, and I was faced with how the hell am I going to make it one more month?!! I was strapped, completely strapped and I still wasn’t divorced! “I am so alone” I bawled.

#cryingwithpinky

This was not the only time I found myself in this situation. I seemed to have been here before…

Earlier in the day I had been wrapping my head around the pattern I had noticed. It had nothing to do with finances, actually it had everything to do with love. I was questioning why I was going through my typical relationship #fagetaboutit mental monologue. Was it really because the guy just isn’t interested in me anymore, or something else? It had been… almost 2 months. Yeah, it was time to pull away. Why!?

What made me want to pull out after this long of investing and really liking the guy? Okay, he did say some things that had me question if he really was interested in me, and yes, I still needed to have that “talk” but did he actually say, Babe, I’m not interested in you anymore? No.

I called my life-coach, who said the same thing. Okay, the game’s not over yet deary! However, I still was wondering why this pattern… why did I invest in recon, get my heart there, then mission abort? It did not make sense, and I wanted a relationship, I really liked this guy!

Analyzing patterns was a typical thing inside my brain. I wanted perfection, to be whole, for a new relationship.

It had something to do with feeling alone. Alone, I did very well! I was alone in college, before that even! I was alone in my marriage, my long long marriage, I am alone now…

‘I can do Alone beautifully!’ I told my coach. But what I didn’t want was to BE alone. I didn’t want to feel alone. I wanted to feel loved, to know someone, somewhere, loved me and thought of me and was interested in me, the actual me, not just the physical side, which is of course great as well!

This interesting mental dialogue  was difficult to face. I had developed a very tough exterior, so tough that complements didn’t land on me. I had a problem receiving acknowledgment, praise. This was part of it too. Somewhere along my crazy life, I developed an ‘I am not loved’ way to be. It worked perfectly. Attached to that was probably, I am alone. So with “I am not loved, I’m alone” girl, I made my life a living source of powerful strength and in there was the shield of unlovability and that Sucks! That Sucks right there!

Peel away another layer of that onion Sweetheart!  Still didn’t have the answer, but at least I was on to something. For everything else, the silver lining always comes with the pink rainbow in the morning and I could smile.


Keeping IT alive!

Everywhere, everyone, has had one …or many, at one point ….or several points, in their life.

Some end up on The Bucket List, some get lost in the responsibilities of living, and some of them even are powerfully realized.

I’m talking about dreams here People! Big people have Dreams and pursue them and everyone, Everyone is a Big person!

Now that we are all on the same playing field, what is your Dream, and what are you doing to keep it alive?

I went on a quest, if you will, a mental pursuance of how to make the dreams I have come alive.

Early on, I was labeled a Dreamer. Day dreaming was a favorite escape, not much got done in grade school when I set my focus on greater things rather than long division or the molecular makeup of atoms. I dreamed of being a great singer, a great actress, a great dancer, a cool FBI agent, an unsuspecting spy… hence the vivid imagination of a young adolescent…

I listened to motivational speakers, I read up on how to make your dreams come true, I talked to people, I watched the vids of successful people speak of how they got there, and it sunk in what I needed to begin doing.

1. Vision Board

2. Imagine

3. Do

4. Yeah, I’m not there yet… Still repeating 2 and 3

Create a Vision Board. All the things I want for my life, in short term and long.

Imagine how I’ll feel doing it, have it in my hands, and living how I want, where I want, when I am living my Dream.

Do whatever I have to to keep my dream a reality.  Go test drive that sports car, sign up for those helicopter lessons, take a vacation to that town you’ll buy a house in someday, visit the real estate office there. Start making your Dream a reality.

When a Big person puts their Dream in their hands, the feel of it makes it a reality. No longer is the Dream a floating idea out there, you got it! It’s between your hands!

This actually works, as silly as it may sound, and I’m still learning! I’m keeping my Dreams alive, every single one of them, and they are becoming realized now!

What will you do with your Dream, Big Person?

Yeah, those are my hands on my Dream bike.


4:00-4:15 think

My life-coach told me this today, “Schedule your time to do everything, because you have to make time for yourself and your kids, otherwise something suffers.” Yeah, Me.

Okay, I’m not really a scheduler, however I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I schedule appointments no problem, or conference calls, or gym, I don’t schedule time to play piano, or read a book, I usually wing it! At least that’s how I roll.

My complaint is that I just don’t have time to read or do anything I really want. Hahahaaa! Liar! Princess Bride

My real issue is I don’t know how to be efficient with my time. If I was, then I’d have plenty of time to do EVERYTHING I want and then some!

I’ve stopped complaining. I have a lot to learn.

Schedule out just 1 day. Simple.

7 alarm, 7:20 alarm, 8:17 kids to school, 9:15 Starbucks, 9:30 dentist, 10:15 mt bike diablo (warm clothing this time and gloves), 12 pick up son, 12:30 lunch, 12:45 play a game, 1:20 school, 1:40 hang out and chat with moms, hmmm… I missed a birthday party in there somewhere… do over. lol!

If I actually schedule my time wisely and stick to it, I’d have time to do the things I want like learn a new song, or finish my book.

Its interesting thinking about how many actual waking hours I have in the day, and how many are productively being used and how many are actually ticking by with me sitting thinking about them ticking by. I think I’ll schedule some time to think about time ticking by. hahaahhaha! I do it enough!!!!


Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

spartan

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. “

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!


Strategy of Unreasonable

Bart station

I assigned myself a very big project…  Have You Been Hugged Day, a national holiday in America to bring awareness of depression and prevention of suicide.

Though I generally don’t look at the process in daily life, building leaders, being unreasonable, challenging people to be greater than themselves, this is what I do. And I can be very passionate about it, lol!

Ticket in hand, I looked up to see a mass of people hurrying down the stairs, in a form of stampede to the window of the Station Security, and the curb.

Confused, I walked to the window, and found out for myself.

Bart was down. There was a fire on one of the trains stuck in the Oakland tunnel. Poor people! It sucked for the rest of us. Okay, Plan B…

Swap cars with the Nanny, and drive to the City.

I’m a spontaneous person in general and ideas come to mind quickly. Random, sometimes crazy ideas, but nonetheless they do pan out.

With my big project in mind, I decided I would see if any unfortunate Bart Hop-ers would carpool with me to the City. I was in a hurry as well.

Little did they know, I had a plan…

Carpool

A sign that read, “City Carpool I can take 6 peeps!” thrust through the passenger window waving, as I yelled out my invite. I was determined to fill up my seats and bring 6 stranded City workers to their job on time.

They came. “Thank you everyone for being spontaneous with me and riding with me to the City. My name is Karen and I’m an actor on my way to an audition…”

Small talk, then launch into my agenda. I told them all about the Project and what I had intended on creating with it. It was amazing! They were all enrolled in it and giving me more ideas.

I am the possibility of abundant love in my life and this was a perfect opportunity to bring goodness through a spontaneous adventure to some strangers just like me.

My carpoolers liked Have You Been Hugged Day, and they generously donated to the Cause. “You will have an amazing day today!” I called out with a smile and a wave.

It was fabulous seeing their happy, excited faces as they walked down Market St. on their way to work.

In a cray-cray way, I was able to touch some lives, and even fulfill on being unreasonable to get Have You Been Hugged Day, out there.

 


chopping off the age

With the sounds of fabulous Salon chatter picking up, my deep Southern stylist Chris asked, So what ARE we doin’ to yo haya Doll?  We just gonna trim up those ayends?? I lovingly brutalize his vocab. lol!

(*note to Chris: no one can talk like you, but we might try! wink!)

I loved him! He took his FAB droll to the greatest level!

My glorious hair was his favorite, so he confided. I kinda believed him, but I think he went a little outrageous with his favs, (just some of the time).

We did the same thing, every month, dye, trim, style. Just this morning I enjoyed drying my long hair, thankful God didn’t hit my head with the Ugly Stick. Ok, I complained about the grays, B-U-T…

Nope! Cut it off!

Whahaat? NO!

Something new, I was ready for it! 5 years of having the same, or similar, style, length, the Works! It was time for a new ME!

Shocked! Chris tried, but no one was talking me out of The Chopping of The Locks!

With perfect scissor hands, he dropped into the ZONE and… Voila!

Blunt for Fall

Asymmetrical Cut, which flatters my face and neck

(unfortunately for me, this top…, though all the rage in CA , un-flatters me with the illusion of asymmetrical boobs LOL!)

Its perfectly great for Fall, chunky sweaters, scarves, hats, even the big fur coat! LUV LUV

There is nothing more Chic, than a great hair style, to match the young new You!


blue fall

Fall is in full color, with vibrant shades to deeper grays. Its the ever glorious shades of the beautiful Scorpio. Mmmmagic!

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

Michael Kors knit sweater, AMB tie dye top, Marc Fisher boots, Franco Sarto cross-body purse

Model K. Gibson, Photo Shoot by Carmen

 


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