for the red that looks grey

At times, in this ever changing mental/heart healing state of mind of mine, I am thrown into the grief of sad aloneness where my stores of literary feeling inspire,… I write. I have thought about why the feelings of joy and boundless energy keep me away from my mac, the ache and pain of the dying burrying heart bring me back to it.

Beating Grey

There is rhyme and reason to it all, I just don’t get it yet. What I do understand is that my states of mind are my choice and I like it. This sad loneliness of the dying dramatically romantic, is an interesting choice today. I chose it all day long. I used to think I was a victim of my circumstance, that I got dealt the sorry hand and inevitable, my outcome. HA.

This is now. I feel miserable. choice. I feel sad. choice. I feel grey. choice. Feed it cause I like it. Do I want to step into happy joy joy, No, I just want to stay here in my pathetic woe to me, poor me, boo me. If feels great!! Epiphany: I’m happy feeling unhappy.

Bleeding Grey

Do I bring myself out of this smooth ache of the bleeding grey? Yes. Simply, a choice!

Snap! Happy Love Joy Comfort Pounding Vibrant Heart Beat Smile Peace Twinkle Red Wink Yay!

I have a bright spot of happy to step into. Its in this perfect place, the glorious colorful garden of my mind and I can stay here all day if I want to. I think I will. Atleast for the rest of the day, and tomorrow?

I think I’ll attract positive energy, output and in, richly effect my surroundings, the people who meet me, the people who know me as I am, the people who know me as I used to be. Okay.

Bleeding

Its beautiful, this red that is red. And this is where I should stay…


#cryingwithpinky

The rain had been coming down in sheets and we were confined inside. Wrapped in my throw, I pulled out my laptop to begin perusing the blogs, emails, while my kids rough-housed on my bed in the other room. The calm at my table was broken by an overwhelming flow of tears burning the blanket in my hands. I was not ok.

The news that my ex was disputing property rents, which actually helped us make it through each month, was a shock, and I was faced with how the hell am I going to make it one more month?!! I was strapped, completely strapped and I still wasn’t divorced! “I am so alone” I bawled.

#cryingwithpinky

This was not the only time I found myself in this situation. I seemed to have been here before…

Earlier in the day I had been wrapping my head around the pattern I had noticed. It had nothing to do with finances, actually it had everything to do with love. I was questioning why I was going through my typical relationship #fagetaboutit mental monologue. Was it really because the guy just isn’t interested in me anymore, or something else? It had been… almost 2 months. Yeah, it was time to pull away. Why!?

What made me want to pull out after this long of investing and really liking the guy? Okay, he did say some things that had me question if he really was interested in me, and yes, I still needed to have that “talk” but did he actually say, Babe, I’m not interested in you anymore? No.

I called my life-coach, who said the same thing. Okay, the game’s not over yet deary! However, I still was wondering why this pattern… why did I invest in recon, get my heart there, then mission abort? It did not make sense, and I wanted a relationship, I really liked this guy!

Analyzing patterns was a typical thing inside my brain. I wanted perfection, to be whole, for a new relationship.

It had something to do with feeling alone. Alone, I did very well! I was alone in college, before that even! I was alone in my marriage, my long long marriage, I am alone now…

‘I can do Alone beautifully!’ I told my coach. But what I didn’t want was to BE alone. I didn’t want to feel alone. I wanted to feel loved, to know someone, somewhere, loved me and thought of me and was interested in me, the actual me, not just the physical side, which is of course great as well!

This interesting mental dialogue  was difficult to face. I had developed a very tough exterior, so tough that complements didn’t land on me. I had a problem receiving acknowledgment, praise. This was part of it too. Somewhere along my crazy life, I developed an ‘I am not loved’ way to be. It worked perfectly. Attached to that was probably, I am alone. So with “I am not loved, I’m alone” girl, I made my life a living source of powerful strength and in there was the shield of unlovability and that Sucks! That Sucks right there!

Peel away another layer of that onion Sweetheart!  Still didn’t have the answer, but at least I was on to something. For everything else, the silver lining always comes with the pink rainbow in the morning and I could smile.


Keeping IT alive!

Everywhere, everyone, has had one …or many, at one point ….or several points, in their life.

Some end up on The Bucket List, some get lost in the responsibilities of living, and some of them even are powerfully realized.

I’m talking about dreams here People! Big people have Dreams and pursue them and everyone, Everyone is a Big person!

Now that we are all on the same playing field, what is your Dream, and what are you doing to keep it alive?

I went on a quest, if you will, a mental pursuance of how to make the dreams I have come alive.

Early on, I was labeled a Dreamer. Day dreaming was a favorite escape, not much got done in grade school when I set my focus on greater things rather than long division or the molecular makeup of atoms. I dreamed of being a great singer, a great actress, a great dancer, a cool FBI agent, an unsuspecting spy… hence the vivid imagination of a young adolescent…

I listened to motivational speakers, I read up on how to make your dreams come true, I talked to people, I watched the vids of successful people speak of how they got there, and it sunk in what I needed to begin doing.

1. Vision Board

2. Imagine

3. Do

4. Yeah, I’m not there yet… Still repeating 2 and 3

Create a Vision Board. All the things I want for my life, in short term and long.

Imagine how I’ll feel doing it, have it in my hands, and living how I want, where I want, when I am living my Dream.

Do whatever I have to to keep my dream a reality.  Go test drive that sports car, sign up for those helicopter lessons, take a vacation to that town you’ll buy a house in someday, visit the real estate office there. Start making your Dream a reality.

When a Big person puts their Dream in their hands, the feel of it makes it a reality. No longer is the Dream a floating idea out there, you got it! It’s between your hands!

This actually works, as silly as it may sound, and I’m still learning! I’m keeping my Dreams alive, every single one of them, and they are becoming realized now!

What will you do with your Dream, Big Person?

Yeah, those are my hands on my Dream bike.


4:00-4:15 think

My life-coach told me this today, “Schedule your time to do everything, because you have to make time for yourself and your kids, otherwise something suffers.” Yeah, Me.

Okay, I’m not really a scheduler, however I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I schedule appointments no problem, or conference calls, or gym, I don’t schedule time to play piano, or read a book, I usually wing it! At least that’s how I roll.

My complaint is that I just don’t have time to read or do anything I really want. Hahahaaa! Liar! Princess Bride

My real issue is I don’t know how to be efficient with my time. If I was, then I’d have plenty of time to do EVERYTHING I want and then some!

I’ve stopped complaining. I have a lot to learn.

Schedule out just 1 day. Simple.

7 alarm, 7:20 alarm, 8:17 kids to school, 9:15 Starbucks, 9:30 dentist, 10:15 mt bike diablo (warm clothing this time and gloves), 12 pick up son, 12:30 lunch, 12:45 play a game, 1:20 school, 1:40 hang out and chat with moms, hmmm… I missed a birthday party in there somewhere… do over. lol!

If I actually schedule my time wisely and stick to it, I’d have time to do the things I want like learn a new song, or finish my book.

Its interesting thinking about how many actual waking hours I have in the day, and how many are productively being used and how many are actually ticking by with me sitting thinking about them ticking by. I think I’ll schedule some time to think about time ticking by. hahaahhaha! I do it enough!!!!


Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

spartan

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. “

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!


Strategy of Unreasonable

Bart station

I assigned myself a very big project…  Have You Been Hugged Day, a national holiday in America to bring awareness of depression and prevention of suicide.

Though I generally don’t look at the process in daily life, building leaders, being unreasonable, challenging people to be greater than themselves, this is what I do. And I can be very passionate about it, lol!

Ticket in hand, I looked up to see a mass of people hurrying down the stairs, in a form of stampede to the window of the Station Security, and the curb.

Confused, I walked to the window, and found out for myself.

Bart was down. There was a fire on one of the trains stuck in the Oakland tunnel. Poor people! It sucked for the rest of us. Okay, Plan B…

Swap cars with the Nanny, and drive to the City.

I’m a spontaneous person in general and ideas come to mind quickly. Random, sometimes crazy ideas, but nonetheless they do pan out.

With my big project in mind, I decided I would see if any unfortunate Bart Hop-ers would carpool with me to the City. I was in a hurry as well.

Little did they know, I had a plan…

Carpool

A sign that read, “City Carpool I can take 6 peeps!” thrust through the passenger window waving, as I yelled out my invite. I was determined to fill up my seats and bring 6 stranded City workers to their job on time.

They came. “Thank you everyone for being spontaneous with me and riding with me to the City. My name is Karen and I’m an actor on my way to an audition…”

Small talk, then launch into my agenda. I told them all about the Project and what I had intended on creating with it. It was amazing! They were all enrolled in it and giving me more ideas.

I am the possibility of abundant love in my life and this was a perfect opportunity to bring goodness through a spontaneous adventure to some strangers just like me.

My carpoolers liked Have You Been Hugged Day, and they generously donated to the Cause. “You will have an amazing day today!” I called out with a smile and a wave.

It was fabulous seeing their happy, excited faces as they walked down Market St. on their way to work.

In a cray-cray way, I was able to touch some lives, and even fulfill on being unreasonable to get Have You Been Hugged Day, out there.

 


chopping off the age

With the sounds of fabulous Salon chatter picking up, my deep Southern stylist Chris asked, So what ARE we doin’ to yo haya Doll?  We just gonna trim up those ayends?? I lovingly brutalize his vocab. lol!

(*note to Chris: no one can talk like you, but we might try! wink!)

I loved him! He took his FAB droll to the greatest level!

My glorious hair was his favorite, so he confided. I kinda believed him, but I think he went a little outrageous with his favs, (just some of the time).

We did the same thing, every month, dye, trim, style. Just this morning I enjoyed drying my long hair, thankful God didn’t hit my head with the Ugly Stick. Ok, I complained about the grays, B-U-T…

Nope! Cut it off!

Whahaat? NO!

Something new, I was ready for it! 5 years of having the same, or similar, style, length, the Works! It was time for a new ME!

Shocked! Chris tried, but no one was talking me out of The Chopping of The Locks!

With perfect scissor hands, he dropped into the ZONE and… Voila!

Blunt for Fall

Asymmetrical Cut, which flatters my face and neck

(unfortunately for me, this top…, though all the rage in CA , un-flatters me with the illusion of asymmetrical boobs LOL!)

Its perfectly great for Fall, chunky sweaters, scarves, hats, even the big fur coat! LUV LUV

There is nothing more Chic, than a great hair style, to match the young new You!


blue fall

Fall is in full color, with vibrant shades to deeper grays. Its the ever glorious shades of the beautiful Scorpio. Mmmmagic!

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

Michael Kors knit sweater, AMB tie dye top, Marc Fisher boots, Franco Sarto cross-body purse

Model K. Gibson, Photo Shoot by Carmen

 


timeless

Present and the present again and again


perfection for the emptiness

Love

Can one truly know

The shape the size the quality

Maybe there is no measure nor real gauge

the vastness and beauty the treasure

Love speaks truth

Truth

To the eyes of the heart

where there is grace and peace and compassion

For what is real and what is now

Heart

Truth cannot hide within

the deep of the heart

True is too great and must shine to Be

and welcome what will Be

The joy and goodness of Love

The generosity of Truth

Great and without conquer nor containment

of that which speaks out

the past and the present again and again

~ K. Gibson

August 31, 2013


close that business Down, girl!!!

Chasti… hmmmm, Def!

There is the question we women always face when in ‘the process’ and here it is…

Is this really what I want? 

So recently, I asked my doc to sew me closed for business.

Okay, he didn’t, but here is the idea that I keep coming back to. I am a one and only kinda girl, and will always be.

I got THE BELT.

The Chastity Belt of Virtue and Purity by my definition is:  the idea that I’m back at square 1, staying pure and whole as a woman, heart and soul and mind, until Robin Hood comes with his chain saw… or preferably a sword or some less rusty medieval weapon.

Yep! I got it on day and night, and occasionally take it off. But its on NOW!
What I’ve come to understand about myself in this great process of healing my soul, heart and mind, is that the desire for ‘the one’ is out there but in the meantime I have needs and wants. It all ends up being the same thing.

There is also the problem I have of attracting the wrong guy. (Really, he doesn’t fit my profile. My profile is actually, The Rock. Bigger is better, in my opinion.) These other attractions, attracting my attention and being a bandaid for the real thing is just that! A quick fix!  There’s really nothing wrong with that. Bandaids are fine, as long as I know it.

I get caught, thinking. Could I fall for this guy? #Forgetaboutit!!!

My stylist Chris has heard my announcement every time I sit in his chair, “I’m writing men off for GOOD! AND I’m joining the Nunnery! Its ridiculous!!!”

Oh Honey, don’t wear that thing for long! You don’t want to be sweeping those damn cobwebs out! Chris’ expert response.

My focus is on me, not dating, not messing around, I’m done with all that! I shall focus on my kids, forget men, and develop the woman I am, for a nice long while!

Then, when I’m good and ready, get back out there and see who has entered the world of big solid possibilities. When I do, I’ll practice my art of attraction and see what gives. It will be an interesting adventure.

For now, keeping my belt synched tight, focus on kids and work, I’ll have time to take for myself and heal. Its all good! It really is! wink


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 288 other followers

%d bloggers like this: