Tag Archives: healing

Beautiful…

Beautiful

The balmy dense air touched my skin through my clothes. Clouds moved in thick light puffs across the dark starred sky, blocking. The night lanterns placed here and there dripped with moisture, heat and dimmed the large glass encasings, which brought a kind of romantic hue to the solitary night.

My gaze… appreciating the pink in the martini glass that rested on the low wide wicker arm, watching the tiny bug circle and circle the clear glass, avoiding the condensation.

Mirroring the hushed light of the late night, my mind deep in thought. The days before… behind.

Under the glimmer of dark, I listened to a group of young men, the table over. It was interesting and not. Almost, I piped in to add to the conversation, and …no. Let me, be.

Earlier,

Hello boys!

“We followed you out here where it’s cooler.”

Yes, it was simply unbearable in there!

“Hahaaa.”

As I sat long reclining on the cushion-less chair, my seat sore from the long drive of the day, I listened and relaxed and enjoyed.

The deep male voices and my pink raspberry martini. Soaking in the night, with me.

A date with me. For a blissful first moment of time, I wasn’t missing something. For a blissful moment, my alone became… beautiful.

 


I’m talkin’ PUSSY! Stop it!!

New View

The coffee foam swirled in the large cup and I watched it go round and round, watching the cinnamon making lines in the foam inside the circle. I took a sip. Cold.

I thought to myself, who am I? What kind of life do I want to have? What am I doing?

Someone told me a few days back, make a list of all the things in your life you want to improve. Good advice.

I made my list. All the things I want to improve, all the complaints about my life, my home, my career, my time management, my finances, and so on.

As I made this list, I realized something profound. My favorite saying, Questa e la vita cosa che poui fare, This is the life, it is just what it is,… is NOT just what it is, It IS what It ISN’T!

My life, the day in and day out, the moments, with my kids, with friends and fam, the small increments of time I cherish and don’t, the things that don’t get done, the appointments I forget, the big pile of laundry to fold, …the life I create, that is what it is. And it is what it is not.

What it is not is the life that I want and choose for myself. I choose a different life and I am in the same vein, feeling puny and powerless to have that life I choose to have.

Why is that? I’m looking at that life from the view of Here and Now, with my list of upcoming meetings to make, the deadlines needing to be met, and at home… the laundry on my bed, the dishes in the sink, the littler box needing to be cleaned again, the tires on my minivan needing to be changed… This, is my View and that is why I’m feeling powerless to do anything about it.

The life I want to live is free of the constraints of the Here and Now, to have the successes I dream about and want, the lives I want to touch with love and kindness of being who I am, the people I want to help save, the lifestyle I choose to live, the accomplishments I set out to attain, and I am looking at all that, all of it with the view of right Here and right Now. None of it will never get done!!! Its a pussified view and it makes me exhausted to look at it!! I have no way of getting there if I look at it with my pussyglasses. Stop IT!!

Stop being a pussy and get some IRON BALLS! Keep those new Ray Bans View on your face Lady and start living your life with some Giant-Assed Iron Balls! Your future you are living into, is now, RIGHT NOW! Stop the Pussytalk!

I smiled to myself as I got into my minivian and looked through the upside down number 2 my son had drawn with marker on my windshield. I was thinking 5 years from now, how my life will have changed so much and who I will have become, where I will be living. It was with the determination of inspiration, I drove away from the coffee shop.

My day just got fun and very busy.

 

 


for the red that looks grey

At times, in this ever changing mental/heart healing state of mind of mine, I am thrown into the grief of sad aloneness where my stores of literary feeling inspire,… I write. I have thought about why the feelings of joy and boundless energy keep me away from my mac, the ache and pain of the dying burrying heart bring me back to it.

Beating Grey

There is rhyme and reason to it all, I just don’t get it yet. What I do understand is that my states of mind are my choice and I like it. This sad loneliness of the dying dramatically romantic, is an interesting choice today. I chose it all day long. I used to think I was a victim of my circumstance, that I got dealt the sorry hand and inevitable, my outcome. HA.

This is now. I feel miserable. choice. I feel sad. choice. I feel grey. choice. Feed it cause I like it. Do I want to step into happy joy joy, No, I just want to stay here in my pathetic woe to me, poor me, boo me. If feels great!! Epiphany: I’m happy feeling unhappy.

Bleeding Grey

Do I bring myself out of this smooth ache of the bleeding grey? Yes. Simply, a choice!

Snap! Happy Love Joy Comfort Pounding Vibrant Heart Beat Smile Peace Twinkle Red Wink Yay!

I have a bright spot of happy to step into. Its in this perfect place, the glorious colorful garden of my mind and I can stay here all day if I want to. I think I will. Atleast for the rest of the day, and tomorrow?

I think I’ll attract positive energy, output and in, richly effect my surroundings, the people who meet me, the people who know me as I am, the people who know me as I used to be. Okay.

Bleeding

Its beautiful, this red that is red. And this is where I should stay…


Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

spartan

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. ”

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!


timeless

Present and the present again and again


perfection for the emptiness

Love

Can one truly know

The shape the size the quality

Maybe there is no measure nor real gauge

the vastness and beauty the treasure

Love speaks truth

Truth

To the eyes of the heart

where there is grace and peace and compassion

For what is real and what is now

Heart

Truth cannot hide within

the deep of the heart

True is too great and must shine to Be

and welcome what will Be

The joy and goodness of Love

The generosity of Truth

Great and without conquer nor containment

of that which speaks out

the past and the present again and again

~ K. Gibson

August 31, 2013


close that business Down, girl!!!

Chasti… hmmmm, Def!

There is the question we women always face when in ‘the process’ and here it is…

Is this really what I want? 

So recently, I asked my doc to sew me closed for business.

Okay, he didn’t, but here is the idea that I keep coming back to. I am a one and only kinda girl, and will always be.

I got THE BELT.

The Chastity Belt of Virtue and Purity by my definition is:  the idea that I’m back at square 1, staying pure and whole as a woman, heart and soul and mind, until Robin Hood comes with his chain saw… or preferably a sword or some less rusty medieval weapon.

Yep! I got it on day and night, and occasionally take it off. But its on NOW!
What I’ve come to understand about myself in this great process of healing my soul, heart and mind, is that the desire for ‘the one’ is out there but in the meantime I have needs and wants. It all ends up being the same thing.

There is also the problem I have of attracting the wrong guy. (Really, he doesn’t fit my profile. My profile is actually, The Rock. Bigger is better, in my opinion.) These other attractions, attracting my attention and being a bandaid for the real thing is just that! A quick fix!  There’s really nothing wrong with that. Bandaids are fine, as long as I know it.

I get caught, thinking. Could I fall for this guy? #Forgetaboutit!!!

My stylist Chris has heard my announcement every time I sit in his chair, “I’m writing men off for GOOD! AND I’m joining the Nunnery! Its ridiculous!!!”

Oh Honey, don’t wear that thing for long! You don’t want to be sweeping those damn cobwebs out! Chris’ expert response.

My focus is on me, not dating, not messing around, I’m done with all that! I shall focus on my kids, forget men, and develop the woman I am, for a nice long while!

Then, when I’m good and ready, get back out there and see who has entered the world of big solid possibilities. When I do, I’ll practice my art of attraction and see what gives. It will be an interesting adventure.

For now, keeping my belt synched tight, focus on kids and work, I’ll have time to take for myself and heal. Its all good! It really is! wink


falling with dignity

falling with dignity

There is no other way to describe it. Divorce sucks!!

When one is in the middle of it, its easy to feel negative about almost everything. Divorce knocked my world upside down and I’m beginning from ground zero. What will I do? How will I make it this month? If only I had been prepared, if only I knew…

Where I came from, my lifestyle of the rich and not famous… Where I lived without worrying about cost, spending $$ on fine dining, the gorgeous shoes, gardener, maid, the House… The only thing I really had to worry about was my broken nail and getting it fixed! The picture of a luxurious carefree lifestyle.

Easy to live in the wishful thinking and dwelling on the negative. That’s the easy part. The hard part is seeing something positive out of it. But is it?

What’s positive about having $60 dollars in the bank account and its only mid-month?! What’s positive about no job, feeding 3 kids, and credit card debt?!! What’s positive about not having any $$ to pay the attorney fees and no idea where it will come from?! Hahaa! Nothing!

Ok, so I have it bad. I have it really Really bad. But honestly I’m not complaining. It isn’t about thinking positive, or negative, it’s about thinking about it as just what it is, with no emotion to it. Just facts.

I know how to turn this situation around. I know how to get things done, it’s the DOing part that I get stuck on. How am I going to DO it?! If I stop putting emotion to it, I can do anything!

I can let the past choices get to me, but that gets me nowhere. So I will not even go there. It doesn’t help any!

I’ve asked myself, do I swallow my pride and work at a restaurant, do I hire myself out to clean houses? What would I be good at? How will I survive with my 3 growing kids on virtually nothing for the rest of the month?!

When survival is on the table, a mother’s desperation kicks in and guess what, there is no room for pride. I realized that I will do almost ANYTHING, just so my kids will have food in their tummy, a roof over their head, transportation, etc… Mothers Survival is in the bag! We have surviving DOWN!

I shall DO whatever I have to do. Dog-walking, baby sitting, anything and everything I can do.

It isn’t about what I came from, my dignity remains intact. Take anyone, strip everything away,… we all are the same. It makes no difference. We all are just who we are, people. People who love, hurt, give and take. Just people.

And there is always someone else who could use that $60, more than me and my three. I have everything to be thankful for. Everything!

 


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