Tag Archives: How to

Discovery in Reality

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The little square of paper tore as the Girl held it between her fingers.  She purposefully walked to the center garbage can to be closer, pulled out the tiny swipe of alcohol and began rubbing her fingers with it.

I love your skirt, the Lady had said.

Something had pulled at the Girl. She had seen it in the stranger’s demeanor, her expression. Somehow she knew.

The opening was made. Chitchat. The Girl smiled and the kindness in the Lady’s eyes held hers and she shared her heart.

She shared why she was there. At the gas station. The emotion, the sadness, the overwhelming longing and mystery of discovering Why and When and How and WHY. The Girl, was alone.

The Lady was alone. There was kindness. Content. No, peace.

Do you want to have dinner with me? The Girl asked.

Okay. I’ll follow you. The Lady weighted.

The Girl, not knowing the area, drove here and there searching for a place. All the while, the Lady stayed just behind her.

Thoughts came and went, doubts, scenarios, questions until finally, the Girl found a place in an old hotel that was perfect.

They entered together and kind music carried them to the corner table. The Singer was gentle and sweet and his acoustic guitar soothed the empty bar.

After the Girl unloaded her emotional tirade of self discovery and frustration, the Lady shared her life.

70’s. Alone. 4 sons, 9 grandchildren, top Special Ed teacher in the state. The Lady told stories of her experience as a teacher. Her job was one of the highest drop out jobs, and yet here she was in her 70’s still teaching.

Compassion, tenderness, love. These, she said, were what she gave her students success. The Lady worked with severely emotionally traumatized children and rehabilitated them to be able to attend schools and grow up to have a relatively normal life. How she got through to them was compassion and being able to see to the heart of the child.

She spoke of a tall and very large Boy who had Autism, and wouldn’t do anything. Everyone was afraid of the Boy who, she described as resembling the Pillsbury Dough boy, would scream and throw tantrums and not do anything but stand off to the side, alone.

One day she went over and poked him.

He said, Why did you poke me?

Because I wanted to. She replied.

This went on for days and weeks. It became a game and before long, the Lady and the Boy were dodging each other so much, they were jumping.

Look! We are Dancing! The Lady said.

The Boy with size 16 shoes laughed and began dancing with her.

I’m Dancing! I’m Dancing! I can Dance!! The Boy exclaimed.

After that, the Boy was happy to be at school, be part of the class. That love and compassion shown him, made all the difference.

The Lady impressed on the Girl, No matter what you do in life, make time for compassion and love, for it is the language we all understand.

The Girl and the Lady walked away as friends with a shared understanding of love for others and at the same time, love for themselves.

The Singer, watched the two ladies who knew each other a long time. His voice followed them out as he sang his closing song, California Dreamin’.

 

 

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I’m talkin’ PUSSY! Stop it!!

New View

The coffee foam swirled in the large cup and I watched it go round and round, watching the cinnamon making lines in the foam inside the circle. I took a sip. Cold.

I thought to myself, who am I? What kind of life do I want to have? What am I doing?

Someone told me a few days back, make a list of all the things in your life you want to improve. Good advice.

I made my list. All the things I want to improve, all the complaints about my life, my home, my career, my time management, my finances, and so on.

As I made this list, I realized something profound. My favorite saying, Questa e la vita cosa che poui fare, This is the life, it is just what it is,… is NOT just what it is, It IS what It ISN’T!

My life, the day in and day out, the moments, with my kids, with friends and fam, the small increments of time I cherish and don’t, the things that don’t get done, the appointments I forget, the big pile of laundry to fold, …the life I create, that is what it is. And it is what it is not.

What it is not is the life that I want and choose for myself. I choose a different life and I am in the same vein, feeling puny and powerless to have that life I choose to have.

Why is that? I’m looking at that life from the view of Here and Now, with my list of upcoming meetings to make, the deadlines needing to be met, and at home… the laundry on my bed, the dishes in the sink, the littler box needing to be cleaned again, the tires on my minivan needing to be changed… This, is my View and that is why I’m feeling powerless to do anything about it.

The life I want to live is free of the constraints of the Here and Now, to have the successes I dream about and want, the lives I want to touch with love and kindness of being who I am, the people I want to help save, the lifestyle I choose to live, the accomplishments I set out to attain, and I am looking at all that, all of it with the view of right Here and right Now. None of it will never get done!!! Its a pussified view and it makes me exhausted to look at it!! I have no way of getting there if I look at it with my pussyglasses. Stop IT!!

Stop being a pussy and get some IRON BALLS! Keep those new Ray Bans View on your face Lady and start living your life with some Giant-Assed Iron Balls! Your future you are living into, is now, RIGHT NOW! Stop the Pussytalk!

I smiled to myself as I got into my minivian and looked through the upside down number 2 my son had drawn with marker on my windshield. I was thinking 5 years from now, how my life will have changed so much and who I will have become, where I will be living. It was with the determination of inspiration, I drove away from the coffee shop.

My day just got fun and very busy.

 

 


#cryingwithpinky

The rain had been coming down in sheets and we were confined inside. Wrapped in my throw, I pulled out my laptop to begin perusing the blogs, emails, while my kids rough-housed on my bed in the other room. The calm at my table was broken by an overwhelming flow of tears burning the blanket in my hands. I was not ok.

The news that my ex was disputing property rents, which actually helped us make it through each month, was a shock, and I was faced with how the hell am I going to make it one more month?!! I was strapped, completely strapped and I still wasn’t divorced! “I am so alone” I bawled.

#cryingwithpinky

This was not the only time I found myself in this situation. I seemed to have been here before…

Earlier in the day I had been wrapping my head around the pattern I had noticed. It had nothing to do with finances, actually it had everything to do with love. I was questioning why I was going through my typical relationship #fagetaboutit mental monologue. Was it really because the guy just isn’t interested in me anymore, or something else? It had been… almost 2 months. Yeah, it was time to pull away. Why!?

What made me want to pull out after this long of investing and really liking the guy? Okay, he did say some things that had me question if he really was interested in me, and yes, I still needed to have that “talk” but did he actually say, Babe, I’m not interested in you anymore? No.

I called my life-coach, who said the same thing. Okay, the game’s not over yet deary! However, I still was wondering why this pattern… why did I invest in recon, get my heart there, then mission abort? It did not make sense, and I wanted a relationship, I really liked this guy!

Analyzing patterns was a typical thing inside my brain. I wanted perfection, to be whole, for a new relationship.

It had something to do with feeling alone. Alone, I did very well! I was alone in college, before that even! I was alone in my marriage, my long long marriage, I am alone now…

‘I can do Alone beautifully!’ I told my coach. But what I didn’t want was to BE alone. I didn’t want to feel alone. I wanted to feel loved, to know someone, somewhere, loved me and thought of me and was interested in me, the actual me, not just the physical side, which is of course great as well!

This interesting mental dialogue  was difficult to face. I had developed a very tough exterior, so tough that complements didn’t land on me. I had a problem receiving acknowledgment, praise. This was part of it too. Somewhere along my crazy life, I developed an ‘I am not loved’ way to be. It worked perfectly. Attached to that was probably, I am alone. So with “I am not loved, I’m alone” girl, I made my life a living source of powerful strength and in there was the shield of unlovability and that Sucks! That Sucks right there!

Peel away another layer of that onion Sweetheart!  Still didn’t have the answer, but at least I was on to something. For everything else, the silver lining always comes with the pink rainbow in the morning and I could smile.


4:00-4:15 think

My life-coach told me this today, “Schedule your time to do everything, because you have to make time for yourself and your kids, otherwise something suffers.” Yeah, Me.

Okay, I’m not really a scheduler, however I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I schedule appointments no problem, or conference calls, or gym, I don’t schedule time to play piano, or read a book, I usually wing it! At least that’s how I roll.

My complaint is that I just don’t have time to read or do anything I really want. Hahahaaa! Liar! Princess Bride

My real issue is I don’t know how to be efficient with my time. If I was, then I’d have plenty of time to do EVERYTHING I want and then some!

I’ve stopped complaining. I have a lot to learn.

Schedule out just 1 day. Simple.

7 alarm, 7:20 alarm, 8:17 kids to school, 9:15 Starbucks, 9:30 dentist, 10:15 mt bike diablo (warm clothing this time and gloves), 12 pick up son, 12:30 lunch, 12:45 play a game, 1:20 school, 1:40 hang out and chat with moms, hmmm… I missed a birthday party in there somewhere… do over. lol!

If I actually schedule my time wisely and stick to it, I’d have time to do the things I want like learn a new song, or finish my book.

Its interesting thinking about how many actual waking hours I have in the day, and how many are productively being used and how many are actually ticking by with me sitting thinking about them ticking by. I think I’ll schedule some time to think about time ticking by. hahaahhaha! I do it enough!!!!


Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

spartan

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. ”

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!


chopping off the age

With the sounds of fabulous Salon chatter picking up, my deep Southern stylist Chris asked, So what ARE we doin’ to yo haya Doll?  We just gonna trim up those ayends?? I lovingly brutalize his vocab. lol!

(*note to Chris: no one can talk like you, but we might try! wink!)

I loved him! He took his FAB droll to the greatest level!

My glorious hair was his favorite, so he confided. I kinda believed him, but I think he went a little outrageous with his favs, (just some of the time).

We did the same thing, every month, dye, trim, style. Just this morning I enjoyed drying my long hair, thankful God didn’t hit my head with the Ugly Stick. Ok, I complained about the grays, B-U-T…

Nope! Cut it off!

Whahaat? NO!

Something new, I was ready for it! 5 years of having the same, or similar, style, length, the Works! It was time for a new ME!

Shocked! Chris tried, but no one was talking me out of The Chopping of The Locks!

With perfect scissor hands, he dropped into the ZONE and… Voila!

Blunt for Fall

Asymmetrical Cut, which flatters my face and neck

(unfortunately for me, this top…, though all the rage in CA , un-flatters me with the illusion of asymmetrical boobs LOL!)

Its perfectly great for Fall, chunky sweaters, scarves, hats, even the big fur coat! LUV LUV

There is nothing more Chic, than a great hair style, to match the young new You!


blue fall

Fall is in full color, with vibrant shades to deeper grays. Its the ever glorious shades of the beautiful Scorpio. Mmmmagic!

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

fall tie dye

 

Michael Kors knit sweater, AMB tie dye top, Marc Fisher boots, Franco Sarto cross-body purse

Model K. Gibson, Photo Shoot by Carmen

 


close that business Down, girl!!!

Chasti… hmmmm, Def!

There is the question we women always face when in ‘the process’ and here it is…

Is this really what I want? 

So recently, I asked my doc to sew me closed for business.

Okay, he didn’t, but here is the idea that I keep coming back to. I am a one and only kinda girl, and will always be.

I got THE BELT.

The Chastity Belt of Virtue and Purity by my definition is:  the idea that I’m back at square 1, staying pure and whole as a woman, heart and soul and mind, until Robin Hood comes with his chain saw… or preferably a sword or some less rusty medieval weapon.

Yep! I got it on day and night, and occasionally take it off. But its on NOW!
What I’ve come to understand about myself in this great process of healing my soul, heart and mind, is that the desire for ‘the one’ is out there but in the meantime I have needs and wants. It all ends up being the same thing.

There is also the problem I have of attracting the wrong guy. (Really, he doesn’t fit my profile. My profile is actually, The Rock. Bigger is better, in my opinion.) These other attractions, attracting my attention and being a bandaid for the real thing is just that! A quick fix!  There’s really nothing wrong with that. Bandaids are fine, as long as I know it.

I get caught, thinking. Could I fall for this guy? #Forgetaboutit!!!

My stylist Chris has heard my announcement every time I sit in his chair, “I’m writing men off for GOOD! AND I’m joining the Nunnery! Its ridiculous!!!”

Oh Honey, don’t wear that thing for long! You don’t want to be sweeping those damn cobwebs out! Chris’ expert response.

My focus is on me, not dating, not messing around, I’m done with all that! I shall focus on my kids, forget men, and develop the woman I am, for a nice long while!

Then, when I’m good and ready, get back out there and see who has entered the world of big solid possibilities. When I do, I’ll practice my art of attraction and see what gives. It will be an interesting adventure.

For now, keeping my belt synched tight, focus on kids and work, I’ll have time to take for myself and heal. Its all good! It really is! wink


single parenting made easy. Nerf Wars!

The best parenting skills go out the window, when 4 #monsterwieldingloadedweapons are in the house. I loaded up and joined in!

Nerf Wars

A few hrs of blasting my boys+1 with the latest in Nerf gun technology, made 2 things happen.

First, they were all happy and as only a parent would appreciate, exhausted.

Second, I actually felt like a kid again, playing capture the flag on moonlit nights in South America. The cool thought, give my boys that adventure-loving game of life I had… that’s what I want for them.

Living great was never more enjoyable!

Nerf Wars


(ummm… CAMEL TOE!!!)

got made!

The Jazz Festival was simply AMAZING! (yeah, that was the wine talkin’ too!)

My girlfriend and I strolled down the streets peering into the tented booths, through our sunglasses. The heat killed the Class!!  Our very cool wine glasses held daintily, half-filled with our beverage of choice we got from The Cute Guy pouring vino, we found a few tents to browse.

The afternoon was boiling and we were thrilled with our second glass, ahhh chilled! as we kept strolling, talking, sipping, looking and sipping.

Some of the most unique designs I’d seen in a while, neatly arranged on shelves and tables. There was great talent here and I appreciated ALL of it! I happen to be a sucker for creativity and the obvious, ART.

There it was! The HAT tent! I’m a HAT GIRL, bags, and shoes! I love them all! And TODAY!!! happened to be a hat day, in this miserable hot California fall weather! So we looked and FOUND!

GOT MADE and looked FAB! It was perfect!

Extraordinary Talent!

The Jazz Festival was hot, our glasses were empty and we were OUT!

Later on that night, I was showing the pics to a friend of mine who loudly announced to his own hilarity, “CAMEL TOE!!!” (Of course a GUY would have to find something wrong like that!!!!)

I looked, and there it was!! My great outfit, my MADE outfit, was uproariously ruined by my own neglect to wear the correct panty!!!!! NEVAHHH Again!!!

Fashionista Camel Toe

Ahhh, well… it happens! Even to the Fashionista Extraordinaire. (wink)

 


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