Tag Archives: mental health

for the red that looks grey

At times, in this ever changing mental/heart healing state of mind of mine, I am thrown into the grief of sad aloneness where my stores of literary feeling inspire,… I write. I have thought about why the feelings of joy and boundless energy keep me away from my mac, the ache and pain of the dying burrying heart bring me back to it.

Beating Grey

There is rhyme and reason to it all, I just don’t get it yet. What I do understand is that my states of mind are my choice and I like it. This sad loneliness of the dying dramatically romantic, is an interesting choice today. I chose it all day long. I used to think I was a victim of my circumstance, that I got dealt the sorry hand and inevitable, my outcome. HA.

This is now. I feel miserable. choice. I feel sad. choice. I feel grey. choice. Feed it cause I like it. Do I want to step into happy joy joy, No, I just want to stay here in my pathetic woe to me, poor me, boo me. If feels great!! Epiphany: I’m happy feeling unhappy.

Bleeding Grey

Do I bring myself out of this smooth ache of the bleeding grey? Yes. Simply, a choice!

Snap! Happy Love Joy Comfort Pounding Vibrant Heart Beat Smile Peace Twinkle Red Wink Yay!

I have a bright spot of happy to step into. Its in this perfect place, the glorious colorful garden of my mind and I can stay here all day if I want to. I think I will. Atleast for the rest of the day, and tomorrow?

I think I’ll attract positive energy, output and in, richly effect my surroundings, the people who meet me, the people who know me as I am, the people who know me as I used to be. Okay.

Bleeding

Its beautiful, this red that is red. And this is where I should stay…

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Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

spartan

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. ”

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!


the death of a relationship

the death of a relationship

As most of us go through life, we fall in love, we lose love, we get our hearts filled and broken. It is normal, it happens, and it happens to Everyone.

When it happened to me, I realized a lot about myself. I went through the process that every woman and man goes through, the grieving. I was not alone on my emotional roller-coaster ride.

I was able to put my pain, my grieving, into perspective and ride it. Its ok to experience emotional outbursts of frustration and anger. I’m OK! This is normal, I’d tell myself. It helped. I needed to feel, cry, ache, hurt, grieve…

People talked about ‘being healthy’ for a new relationship, carrying baggage from old relationships, and going through rebound with a new relationship. All these were important and I refused to go through a rebound. If I fell for someone, it would be when I was healthy and ready. I wasn’t ready yet.

I decided I wouldn’t get my heart involved in any relationship for a while. Yeah, I was ok with dating, and fucking around some. Its normal. I’m no saint, and I love attention, feeling like a woman, Every woman does. And I’m just one of them. But it didn’t help my healing. That was separate.

Getting a quick fix, sure, that’s good, but like a drug, it masks the real pain underneath. I knew it.

Over the year of riding the roller-coaster, I attended some very great seminars and I changed how I thought. I learned about the mind and how everything we do and are, we are choosing.

It isn’t our circumstances pushing us to do and make decisions, choices. I choose Who I will be every moment of every day. I Choose!

His drama? Sure, I choose to let it affect me, weight me down, make me feel depressed, etc. (Its just a crappy road to go down, but that’s my crappy path!)

So, once I figured out that I can be listening and seeing drama play out in front of me, I can choose to let it enter my heart, get emotional, feel the weight, be hurt or upset by it… Its OK! OR I can let it fall in the air between me and them and hear them, listen and respond, but it doesn’t affect me if I don’t want it to. My choice. I have control.

We have a choice in the matter of our Being. I can Be ME, in every moment, AND I can let other people BE who they will Be as well. It makes for a peaceful, well, happy existence, day in and day out. I love it!!

Now, I am fully free to be who I am going to BE, without the pressure of judgement, or holding to anyone else’s expectations of me and how I should act, it really doesn’t matter. I’m just fabulous ME and I’m totally cool with that!

On the reverse, I allow for people to be, say, choose, who they will be around me, and that’s totally OK!

I think if I had learned this during my marriage, I could have provided a healthy way of living and loving and BEing, because down to the core of my heart, I could have loved with absolute acceptance of who he was choosing to be that day, with no strings.

But I live in reality, not wishful thinking. I live Today, Choosing and Being and 100% happy with my life, where I am right at this moment.

Through the death of a relationship, I gained my Self. The pain is a beautiful thing, and it was necessary to find Me. Its Okay!

Questa e la vita cosa che puoi fare,… It is what it is.


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