Beautiful…

The balmy dense air touched my skin through my clothes. Clouds moved in thick light puffs across the dark starred sky, blocking. The night lanterns placed here and there dripped with moisture, heat and dimmed the large glass encasings, which brought a kind of romantic hue to the solitary night.

My gaze… appreciating the pink in the martini glass that rested on the low wide wicker arm, watching the tiny bug circle and circle the clear glass, avoiding the condensation.

Mirroring the hushed light of the late night, my mind deep in thought. The days before… behind.

Under the glimmer of dark, I listened to a group of young men, the table over. It was interesting and not. Almost, I piped in to add to the conversation, and …no. Let me, be.

Earlier,

Hello boys!

“We followed you out here where it’s cooler.”

Yes, it was simply unbearable in there!

“Hahaaa.”

As I sat long reclining on the cushion-less chair, my seat sore from the long drive of the day, I listened and relaxed and enjoyed.

The deep male voices and my pink raspberry martini. Soaking in the night, with me.

A date with me. For a blissful first moment of time, I wasn’t missing something. For a blissful moment, my alone became… beautiful.

 

Discovery in Reality

The little square of paper tore as the Girl held it between her fingers.  She purposefully walked to the center garbage can to be closer, pulled out the tiny swipe of alcohol and began rubbing her fingers with it.

I love your skirt, the Lady had said.

Something had pulled at the Girl. She had seen it in the stranger’s demeanor, her expression. Somehow she knew.

The opening was made. Chitchat. The Girl smiled and the kindness in the Lady’s eyes held hers and she shared her heart.

She shared why she was there. At the gas station. The emotion, the sadness, the overwhelming longing and mystery of discovering Why and When and How and WHY. The Girl, was alone.

The Lady was alone. There was kindness. Content. No, peace.

Do you want to have dinner with me? The Girl asked.

Okay. I’ll follow you. The Lady weighted.

The Girl, not knowing the area, drove here and there searching for a place. All the while, the Lady stayed just behind her.

Thoughts came and went, doubts, scenarios, questions until finally, the Girl found a place in an old hotel that was perfect.

They entered together and kind music carried them to the corner table. The Singer was gentle and sweet and his acoustic guitar soothed the empty bar.

After the Girl unloaded her emotional tirade of self discovery and frustration, the Lady shared her life.

70’s. Alone. 4 sons, 9 grandchildren, top Special Ed teacher in the state. The Lady told stories of her experience as a teacher. Her job was one of the highest drop out jobs, and yet here she was in her 70’s still teaching.

Compassion, tenderness, love. These, she said, were what she gave her students success. The Lady worked with severely emotionally traumatized children and rehabilitated them to be able to attend schools and grow up to have a relatively normal life. How she got through to them was compassion and being able to see to the heart of the child.

She spoke of a tall and very large Boy who had Autism, and wouldn’t do anything. Everyone was afraid of the Boy who, she described as resembling the Pillsbury Dough boy, would scream and throw tantrums and not do anything but stand off to the side, alone.

One day she went over and poked him.

He said, Why did you poke me?

Because I wanted to. She replied.

This went on for days and weeks. It became a game and before long, the Lady and the Boy were dodging each other so much, they were jumping.

Look! We are Dancing! The Lady said.

The Boy with size 16 shoes laughed and began dancing with her.

I’m Dancing! I’m Dancing! I can Dance!! The Boy exclaimed.

After that, the Boy was happy to be at school, be part of the class. That love and compassion shown him, made all the difference.

The Lady impressed on the Girl, No matter what you do in life, make time for compassion and love, for it is the language we all understand.

The Girl and the Lady walked away as friends with a shared understanding of love for others and at the same time, love for themselves.

The Singer, watched the two ladies who knew each other a long time. His voice followed them out as he sang his closing song, California Dreamin’.

 

 

I’m talkin’ PUSSY! Stop it!!

The coffee foam swirled in the large cup and I watched it go round and round, watching the cinnamon making lines in the foam inside the circle. I took a sip. Cold.

I thought to myself, who am I? What kind of life do I want to have? What am I doing?

Someone told me a few days back, make a list of all the things in your life you want to improve. Good advice.

I made my list. All the things I want to improve, all the complaints about my life, my home, my career, my time management, my finances, and so on.

As I made this list, I realized something profound. My favorite saying, Questa e la vita cosa che poui fare, This is the life, it is just what it is,… is NOT just what it is, It IS what It ISN’T!

My life, the day in and day out, the moments, with my kids, with friends and fam, the small increments of time I cherish and don’t, the things that don’t get done, the appointments I forget, the big pile of laundry to fold, …the life I create, that is what it is. And it is what it is not.

What it is not is the life that I want and choose for myself. I choose a different life and I am in the same vein, feeling puny and powerless to have that life I choose to have.

Why is that? I’m looking at that life from the view of Here and Now, with my list of upcoming meetings to make, the deadlines needing to be met, and at home… the laundry on my bed, the dishes in the sink, the littler box needing to be cleaned again, the tires on my minivan needing to be changed… This, is my View and that is why I’m feeling powerless to do anything about it.

The life I want to live is free of the constraints of the Here and Now, to have the successes I dream about and want, the lives I want to touch with love and kindness of being who I am, the people I want to help save, the lifestyle I choose to live, the accomplishments I set out to attain, and I am looking at all that, all of it with the view of right Here and right Now. None of it will never get done!!! Its a pussified view and it makes me exhausted to look at it!! I have no way of getting there if I look at it with my pussyglasses. Stop IT!!

Stop being a pussy and get some IRON BALLS! Keep those new Ray Bans View on your face Lady and start living your life with some Giant-Assed Iron Balls! Your future you are living into, is now, RIGHT NOW! Stop the Pussytalk!

I smiled to myself as I got into my minivian and looked through the upside down number 2 my son had drawn with marker on my windshield. I was thinking 5 years from now, how my life will have changed so much and who I will have become, where I will be living. It was with the determination of inspiration, I drove away from the coffee shop.

My day just got fun and very busy.

 

 

4:00-4:15 think

My life-coach told me this today, “Schedule your time to do everything, because you have to make time for yourself and your kids, otherwise something suffers.” Yeah, Me.

Okay, I’m not really a scheduler, however I’m more than willing to give it a shot. I schedule appointments no problem, or conference calls, or gym, I don’t schedule time to play piano, or read a book, I usually wing it! At least that’s how I roll.

My complaint is that I just don’t have time to read or do anything I really want. Hahahaaa! Liar! 

My real issue is I don’t know how to be efficient with my time. If I was, then I’d have plenty of time to do EVERYTHING I want and then some!

I’ve stopped complaining. I have a lot to learn.

Schedule out just 1 day. Simple.

7 alarm, 7:20 alarm, 8:17 kids to school, 9:15 Starbucks, 9:30 dentist, 10:15 mt bike diablo (warm clothing this time and gloves), 12 pick up son, 12:30 lunch, 12:45 play a game, 1:20 school, 1:40 hang out and chat with moms, hmmm… I missed a birthday party in there somewhere… do over. lol!

If I actually schedule my time wisely and stick to it, I’d have time to do the things I want like learn a new song, or finish my book.

Its interesting thinking about how many actual waking hours I have in the day, and how many are productively being used and how many are actually ticking by with me sitting thinking about them ticking by. I think I’ll schedule some time to think about time ticking by. hahaahhaha! I do it enough!!!!

Mr. Wrong is Not a pussy!

It was Mr. Right, in Mr. Wrong’s body.

He was 50, not my normal date range, but ok. Actually I didn’t know it was a date to begin with. I understood we were meeting to talk business. Nope! Well, that too I guess.

I had a great time, and I think he did as well, but on some level we did not click.

Okay, he wasn’t Mr. R but he had a lot of the characteristics that fit my profile and in my history, that’s a huge step of improvement!

Granted, I’ve only been learning how to date for less than 18 months, and I’d consider I’m still new at this. I’m sure I said odd things and may have turned people off, but you know what, that is who I am, and fortunately for me, they’ve all been clearly Mr. Wrongs.

This guy however was different. I won’t go into details, but really I came away with,  “finally I’ve dated someone who is NOT a pussy!”

The great thing is that I have come far in my healing process to be able to date someone who fits my profile of manly-man gentleman warrior instead of guys who I’d consider my bro or less pussies, knowing there could never be anything further.

Its the recovery time I needed. Go out with non-threatening guys, because they won’t break your heart. It worked. Except my heart was not free to be broken, it was being mended. I needed to take that time before being able to really open up the possibility of a new relationship with someone. 

Huge steps! I spoke with my life coach who had encouraged me, “If you want a new man in your life, clear some space in your heart. Make space in the closet! And be open for when it happens. ”

I did. The space is cleared and I was able to attract the right kind of MAN. Its a good thing.

Now I know, only forward from here!

chopping off the age

With the sounds of fabulous Salon chatter picking up, my deep Southern stylist Chris asked, So what ARE we doin’ to yo haya Doll?  We just gonna trim up those ayends?? I lovingly brutalize his vocab. lol!

(*note to Chris: no one can talk like you, but we might try! wink!)

I loved him! He took his FAB droll to the greatest level!

My glorious hair was his favorite, so he confided. I kinda believed him, but I think he went a little outrageous with his favs, (just some of the time).

We did the same thing, every month, dye, trim, style. Just this morning I enjoyed drying my long hair, thankful God didn’t hit my head with the Ugly Stick. Ok, I complained about the grays, B-U-T…

Nope! Cut it off!

Whahaat? NO!

Something new, I was ready for it! 5 years of having the same, or similar, style, length, the Works! It was time for a new ME!

Shocked! Chris tried, but no one was talking me out of The Chopping of The Locks!

With perfect scissor hands, he dropped into the ZONE and… Voila!

Asymmetrical Cut, which flatters my face and neck

(unfortunately for me, this top…, though all the rage in CA , un-flatters me with the illusion of asymmetrical boobs LOL!)

Its perfectly great for Fall, chunky sweaters, scarves, hats, even the big fur coat! LUV LUV

There is nothing more Chic, than a great hair style, to match the young new You!

blue fall

Fall is in full color, with vibrant shades to deeper grays. Its the ever glorious shades of the beautiful Scorpio. Mmmmagic!

 

 

 

Michael Kors knit sweater, AMB tie dye top, Marc Fisher boots, Franco Sarto cross-body purse

Model K. Gibson, Photo Shoot by Carmen

 

single parenting made easy. Nerf Wars!

The best parenting skills go out the window, when 4 #monsterwieldingloadedweapons are in the house. I loaded up and joined in!

A few hrs of blasting my boys+1 with the latest in Nerf gun technology, made 2 things happen.

First, they were all happy and as only a parent would appreciate, exhausted.

Second, I actually felt like a kid again, playing capture the flag on moonlit nights in South America. The cool thought, give my boys that adventure-loving game of life I had… that’s what I want for them.

Living great was never more enjoyable!

(ummm… CAMEL TOE!!!)

The Jazz Festival was simply AMAZING! (yeah, that was the wine talkin’ too!)

My girlfriend and I strolled down the streets peering into the tented booths, through our sunglasses. The heat killed the Class!!  Our very cool wine glasses held daintily, half-filled with our beverage of choice we got from The Cute Guy pouring vino, we found a few tents to browse.

The afternoon was boiling and we were thrilled with our second glass, ahhh chilled! as we kept strolling, talking, sipping, looking and sipping.

Some of the most unique designs I’d seen in a while, neatly arranged on shelves and tables. There was great talent here and I appreciated ALL of it! I happen to be a sucker for creativity and the obvious, ART.

There it was! The HAT tent! I’m a HAT GIRL, bags, and shoes! I love them all! And TODAY!!! happened to be a hat day, in this miserable hot California fall weather! So we looked and FOUND!

GOT MADE and looked FAB! It was perfect!

The Jazz Festival was hot, our glasses were empty and we were OUT!

Later on that night, I was showing the pics to a friend of mine who loudly announced to his own hilarity, “CAMEL TOE!!!” (Of course a GUY would have to find something wrong like that!!!!)

I looked, and there it was!! My great outfit, my MADE outfit, was uproariously ruined by my own neglect to wear the correct panty!!!!! NEVAHHH Again!!!

Ahhh, well… it happens! Even to the Fashionista Extraordinaire. (wink)

 

Muir in the Mist

It was sunny. I headed out, to spend some secluded time with my book and the sand.

I was anxious to smell the ocean, the salt and breeze, feel the sand on my skin. I brought my bikini, just in case.

Muir Beach, CA was my destination.

As I drove down the twisting HWY 1 to the coast, fog began blocking out the sun and my view. The air was turning from warm to chilly, and by the time I parked in the ‘lot full’ parking lot, I was thankful I had brought my short jean jacket.

I had chosen my clothing carefully. I wore a short teal lace beach dress, cute wedge sandals, and my bikini in which I scandalously changed into, in my car. (no one saw me!) It was not quite what I’d prefer to wear on a cold day at the beach.

Barefoot walk to the beach in the cold sand, carrying my favorite “use me over and over again” Kenneth Cole Reaction bag filled with towel, sarong, book, camera, water,… I was set.

Interesting people greeted me as I passed by. Fire smoke and bundled babies and doggies having a blast, it was perfect!

My happy spot selected, I sat to enjoy the sights, smells and strangers around me.  Groups of people camped around smoking fires, keeping warm in the sand. Activity and conversation surrounded me.  It was lovely, alone on the beach with my book and my thoughts.

When the wind turned the air from bearable to bone-chilling, I packed up with thoughts of wearing more appropriate beach clothing. On the path, I passed a camera crew going to take cool misty shots and a college group carrying heavy logs, with ‘great flames’ written on their faces.

It was tempting to stay and enjoy the night fun on Muir Beach, but my cold feet took me to my car and home. Next time…

Related articles

• Shoreline Highway/Highway 1, Muir Beach (sfgate.com)
• In Celebration of John Muir: Travels in the Bay Area (newswertz.wordpress.com)